Prison Escape Update: Now It’s “The Case of the Hamburger Helper”

The escape from Clinton Correctional Facility is now The Case of the Hamburger Helper, literally.

The escape from Clinton Correctional Facility is now The Case of the Hamburger Helper, literally.

Just when you may have optimistically believed that the wacky situation regarding the two prisoners who busted out of Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora, New York, could not possibly get any wilder and crazier – of course – it did.

Every new revelation gives the public another reason to bust out laughing.

First, the two escapees, Richard Matt and David Sweat, slid out of the prison in a pipe they had managed to cut open – and left a Smiley Face note on it for the astonished officers who found them missing, which read, “Have a Nice Day!”

Almost immediately, their inside accomplice was discovered, prison tailor shop supervisor Joyce Mitchell.   Both gentlemen were sweet-talking Mitchell – and more.  Today a former prisoner who was in the same shop came forward to say that Mitchell and Matt had gone into the storeroom to “count inventory” on at least 100 occasions.

The former prisoner, Erik Jensen, did not believe that what they were doing in there involved either counting or the inventory.  “Shaw-Skank had Closet Sex with Inmate at Least 100 Times,” screamed the headline in The New York Post Today in their inimitable style.

Oh, my!  And in a closet, yet.  Okay, then, the next question, naturally, is where the heck was the prison administration while this was going on, and so many times more than once?

The DNA of the prisoners was found in a cabin they broke into that was near the prison – positively identifying them.  That development came only after the manhunt had moved, over the weekend, downstate to Friendship, NY, a tiny town on the Pennsylvania border where the duo had been “spotted” – probably falsely.  Who knows?

But the current top nut on the Prison Escape Sundae is that the inept gaggle of doofuses running this Clinton Correctional Facility (on my taxpayer dollars) finally, after these dudes have been on the run for 17 days, “uncovered” how the prisoner’s paramour  managed to get the escape tools into the prison in the first place.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

She smuggled the tools in by hiding them in raw hamburger meat.  Another prison employee brought it to them and now he’s in custody, too.

This is now “The Case of the Hamburger Helper” – literally.

Who is running that prison?  Who searches what the workers bring in and out?  Who supervises the supervisors?  The entire facility is beginning to sound like the lyrics to that old song, “The Lunatics Have Taken Over the Asylum.”

Where are these prisoners?

What’s going to happen next?

It’s actually hardly a laughing matter, since the escapees are pretty vile pieces of work, and killers to boot, and on the loose and on the run, but…that Smiley Face note!  That cut-up pipe!  The escape that worked!  The fruitless search of Friendship!  The affair in the closet!  And now, the latest, perhaps the best of all, the piece de resistance: the implements were hidden in the hamburger!

You can’t make this stuff up!  I can hardly wait to see what will happen next.  I’m splitting my sides in spite of myself.

From sweet-talked to stripes: Joyce Mitchell's in custody while the prisoners still run free.

From Sweet-Talked to Stripes: Joyce Mitchell’s in custody while the prisoners still run free.


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